The Bikini, The Rolls, and Jamaica

Last summer I went to Jamaica.

Like many vacations, I spent weeks planning what I would pack. But unlike many of my previous trips, I made a decision before I left...

I was going to wear the swimsuits I actually wanted to wear.

Not the ones that hid the most.

Not the ones that made me look the smallest.

The ones I liked.

So I packed a different swimsuit for every day of the trip.

Some were bikinis.

Some were bright colors.

Some showed more skin than I would have ever been comfortable showing a few years earlier.

And when I got there...

Nobody cared.

Seriously.

Nobody cared.

Not the people at the resort.

Not the people at the pool.

Not the people at the beach.

Not the people floating around with drinks in hand enjoying their vacations.

No one stopped what they were doing because I wore a bikini.

No one pointed out my stomach rolls.

No one seemed concerned that part of my body didn't fit perfectly within the boundaries of a swimsuit.

Meanwhile, I had spent years acting as though wearing a bikini as a plus-size woman was some sort of public event.

As though everyone would notice.

As though everyone would have an opinion.

As though my body would somehow become the center of attention.

But the reality was much different.

Everyone was busy living their own lives.

They were swimming.

Laughing.

Relaxing.

Making memories.

And I finally realized how much of my fear had been created by my own imagination.

For years, I had been waiting for a smaller body before allowing myself to fully enjoy experiences like this.

I thought confidence would come after weight loss.

I thought freedom would come after I looked different.

I thought happiness would come once I earned it.

But standing on a beach in Jamaica wearing a bikini, I learned something important:

The permission had always been mine to give.

The trip wasn't memorable because I looked perfect.

The trip was memorable because I was present.

I got in the water.

I took the pictures.

I enjoyed the sunsets.

I experienced the vacation instead of spending it worrying about how I looked.

And yes, there were rolls.

There were tan lines.

There were angles I probably wouldn't have liked in photos years ago.

And none of it mattered.

Because the goal of the trip wasn't to have the perfect body.

The goal was to have an amazing experience.

When I look back at those pictures now, I don't see flaws.

I see someone having fun.

I see someone making memories.

I see someone who finally stopped waiting.

That's the version of me I want to remember.

So if you're planning a vacation and debating whether to pack the bikini, consider this your sign.

Pack it.

Wear it.

Take the picture.

Jump in the water.

Because years from now, you won't remember how flat your stomach was.

You'll remember the memories you made while you were there.

And trust me, Jamaica was far too beautiful to spend worrying about a few rolls.